i am here

IMG_2256-002It is interesting that people’ perception of me could be very different from my self-perception. Sometimes their versions were much better than my own. But occasionally, they got it very wrong.

When I was praised undeservingly, I always quick to correct them. And they all thought I was being too modest. When I was looked down upon, I was never eager to defend myself. Rather, I would disassociate with them and thrust them out of my life. What happens then if I was simply ignored, not being noticed, and not being center of the attention?

With the goggle burn on my face from my ski trip still visible, I was really happy to be invisible. But after being a Background Extra for a whole week, I am finally sick of it. So I admit. I like attention, prefer good ones, don’t like bad ones, but hate not to have any at all.

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the reason of missing yesterday’s post

I realized that when I was pushing my way through my novel, I forgot the most important thing. That is, I am writing this book for my own pleasure. If I’m only thinking about how to finish the book as fast as possible, or how many words I need to accomplish each day, it sort of defeats the purpose. God knows how envious I am of those people who could effortlessly write long blog posts. I’ve seen people describe their day in vivid details with two, three-thousand words easily. If it were me, with my snail-IMG_2236like speed, I would be writing whole day with no time for anything else. Besides, I found my mood could directly influence my protagonist’s behavior in my story – she had been a little too serious lately and she no longer seemed to be having fun. So I decided to take a breather on my writing.

Without the excuse of novel writing, I could no longer do these “super light” posts any more. Even though, to be entirely honest, I have not really been using the time saved from these simplified blog posts to write my book. My cat is biting his own tail at my feet, as if to say, “I’m bored of your excuses.” In my defense not all distractions were excuses. Skiing was fun and provided me with some much needed exercises; I spent a fun night at the musical for “book research”; I went to the museum this afternoon, though it has nothing to do with the book, at least no one can call it a “waste of time”.

I think my problem is that all my interests require time to cultivate, and I simply don’t have time to do all of them. I love too many things. I spread myself too thin.

And yesterday after dinner, I decided to read in bed, just for a little while, before getting up to work on whatever I need to work on. The bed was so soft and comfy, and before long I was completely gone. In my dream I was trying to wake myself up: “Get up, you need to pick up your husband at the airport. He is standing at the curb waiting for you. Get up. Get up now!”

You see, that’s my life. And now you know why I didn’t post anything yesterday.

light posting – 4/14

1. daily novel writing: none.

Why? Why? Why? Isn’t the purpose of these “light posts” to give myself more time writing my novel? But I had a good excuse today. A friend suggested to me that a musical called “A Gentleman’s Guide to Love and Murder” would be helpful to me in developing my plot, and that I should go see it. As a ultimate procrastinator, I waited until the very last day and the very last show, and went to see it tonight. The show was fantastic. Though it has nothing to do with the novel I’m writing, I still enjoyed it very much. Still, I will count tonight as “novel research” time.

2. daily exercise: none.

What’s my excuse for that? Well, I had burned my face by forgetting to put on sun block on the first day of skiing, and I’m paying dearly for it now. My excuse for not exercising today was – my face hurts!

3. daily photo by iPhone: Yes, Yes, I did that! Whew… (see below)

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light posting – 4/11

1. Writing: way behind schedule. What to do? What to do?!
2. Exercise: 5 1/2 hours on the slope. It was cold and misty, then sunny, then cloudy, then it snowed and the dry snow flakes hit my face and jacket hard, then it was sunny and hot. I was so tired. I was so happy.
3. Photo by iPhone: last week of ski season (below)

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superlight April posting – 4/10

1. daily novel writing: nothing yet but the night is still young.
2. daily exercise: not much, altitude sickness all morning.
3. daily photo by iPhone: Park City Utah (below). Apologize for the low resolution yesterday. Changed software but still low res. Let’s see how they come out.

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