It’s not that I don’t want to share. It’s just that I myself have absolutely no idea as to why I had such stormy moods, what triggered it, and what it meant to me.
At least it gave me a good release of tears, which I heard was tremendously good for one’s health.
When I finally got home and had dinner last night, I went under the cover immediately afterwards. My mind first went into obliviousness because I fell asleep, then my mind went on to visit the fantasy land of the early 1700s through yet another novel.
Therefore, to this moment, I still have no idea as to why I was upset. One thing I do know is that I’m the ultimate escape artist and my skills of dodging any real life issues are reaching perfection. When the Chinese Taoists making pills to prolong lives, they believed that if and when the fire in the stove turned into pure green, they would have achieved their alchemistic success. Therefore the Chinese saying for “reaching perfection” is Lu Huo Chun Qing (炉火纯青), literally means “the stove fire has turned pure green”. And my stove fire is reaching the color of green.
Looking at the unfinished nearly half glass of wine next to my computer and the uncharged phone laying dead on the desk, I had to own up to the fact that I had crashed and rebooted last night. I think it started in the morning when for no reason whatsoever there were so many cars honking at me, which utterly confused me, as I thought I had a broken light or something. Then there were the meetings where I did the work but everyone else took the credit. After that was the emotional socking story of M.E. which stirred me into tears and made me aware of my own lacking. But I knew it was not any of those things. Those were little things that served as reminders that I had been hiding from problems, and that I’m still hiding from problems today.
I know that I have a pretty smooth life, and I treat any small bumps in the road like it was the end of the world. But I don’t believe I need to toughen up. Because to do that is to say that there will be more and bigger bumps in the future. And I refuse to believe that. I rather think that any setbacks are small and transient, and in the future there will not be any bigger challenges for me to face. Hence there should be no need to prepare my heart and mind for hardships. Why does one have to suffer first before rising up? I determine to go back to my fantasy land. And if the real world is not sunny and bright, I simple won’t bother to come out.